


Our Boy

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: In hindsight, Ben knows that watching it was a huge mistake.Selfishly, he hadn’t even thought of it, really. He hadn’t actually heard anything from the TV in a few weeks now, with the subtitles now a permanent setting that he was just about getting used to. Selfishly, he hadn’t even started to think about the sounds that would accompany such a show. Perhaps, most selfishly of all, he hadn’t even thought about how it was bound to affect Callum.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 20
Kudos: 92





	Our Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning - references to a panic attack, and very minor self-harm (Callum bites at his thumb until it bleeds, and then tries to hide it from Ben). Please don't read if this could trigger you x
> 
> Also, strangely, there are some minor spoilers to this week's episode of 'Our Girl' so if you've missed that, just beware.

In hindsight, Ben knows that watching it was a huge mistake.

Selfishly, he hadn’t even thought of it, really. He hadn’t actually heard anything from the TV in a few weeks now, with the subtitles now a permanent setting that he was just about getting used to. Selfishly, he hadn’t even started to think about the sounds that would accompany such a show. Perhaps, most selfishly of all, he hadn’t even thought about how it was bound to affect Callum.

Callum, his boyfriend, who had been nothing but brilliant the past few weeks, who had made Ben feel so loved, and worthy, like no one had made him feel in years. Callum, who literally never stopped thinking about other people, who would give up life and limb if it made someone he loved happy. Callum, who was so dangerously selfless that he had ignored his own problems for weeks in favour of helping Ben.

So, in hindsight, Ben should have realised so much earlier that he never should have let the programme run on the telly. Truthfully, the show coming on had been an accident – they’d just finished watching ‘Holby City’, a show that, at first, they’d been watching just to make fun of, but one that they had both not-so-secretly become hooked on. Ben had been so distracted by Callum - with his own head pressed into Callum’s chest, just where his heart was steadily beating, the vibration comforting against his cheek, even though he couldn’t hear it, and Callum’s hand stroking gently through his hair - that he hadn’t really clocked the change in the programme. He certainly made no effort to get up and change the channel, as that required moving off of Callum’s lap in order to pick up the remote from across the room. So he just watched peacefully as the programme changed between the end credits of ‘Holby City’, to an array of way too colourful, distracting adverts (that was something that Ben had discovered was particularly annoying about being deaf- no one seemed to consider how distracting bright graphics could be when you were just trying to read the subtitles in peace) to the opening credits of some series that he vaguely remembered seeing advertised about the army, or something. He hadn’t made the effort to learn much about the show, assuming that if it was something Callum was particularly interested in, he would have mentioned it to Ben. So he just let it play, peacefully oblivious.

The show got a fair way in before he really noticed the changes in Callum beneath him. At first, it was just a momentary pause in the hand in his hair, but the hand quickly began moving again, after a grunt of indignation from Ben. Then it was the slightly raised heartbeat against his cheek. Again, stupidly, he didn’t think much of it – he thought maybe Callum was just more invested in the show than he was, and had actually bothered to try and pay attention. No, it was when Callum’s chest started hitching dangerously, in too-quick, gasping breaths. Some sort of bomb had just gone off on the show, followed later by one of the soldiers getting shot, just before the credits began to roll. Concerned, Ben chanced a glance up at Callum, whose hand had stilled in his hair, and he felt himself tense at the sight.

Callum’s cheeks were covered in tear tracks, cracking through the perpetual-pink blush that covered his boyfriend’s cheeks. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, genuine fear and sadness pooling in them. Callum’s left hand was brought up to his mouth as he chewed on his thumb, so much so that blood tinted Callum’s perfect lips, a small trail tracking down his thumb. At first, he didn’t seem to clock that Ben was looking at him, until he abruptly sat up from Callum’s lap, concern flooding his face. Callum’s face changed immediately then – discreetly swiping his fist across his mouth in an attempt to clean the blood from his lip, and plastering a smile onto his face, which, along with the tears still pooling in his eyes, only served to make him look sadder.

“Baby? Cal, what’s wrong?” Ben said, bringing a hand to swipe his thumb across Callum’s cheeks. Callum said something that looked to Ben like ‘nothing’, but his eyes gave him away – they quickly flicked to the TV behind Ben. It now just showed the end credits for the previous show, and it suddenly clicked with Ben- the army. Of course, Callum would be triggered by forcing himself to watch something about the army, because he was too shy and selfless to tell Ben. 

“Shit,” Ben muttered, quickly crossing the room to turn off the TV, which felt somewhat fruitless now- the damage was clearly already done. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think-“

“Not your fault,” Callum said, still smiling that horrible, half-smile. “Didn’t think it would get to me. Sorry, Ben, I’m ruining the night-“

“Hey, listen to me,” Ben said, crossing the living room quickly. He placed himself down next to Callum, placing one hand on his chest over his heart (which was still going too fast for Ben’s liking), and looked sincerely into his eyes. “You ain’t ruined anything, okay? This ain’t your fault, either. Hey, just, breathe with me, alright? You’re okay.”

Ben took Callum’s shaking hand gently in his, and brought it to his own chest, over his own beating heart. He looked carefully at Callum, exaggerating his own deep breaths for the other man to copy. They both sat like that for a while, the glassy look steadily leaving Callum’s eyes as his breaths finally began to calm. Ben quickly noticed Callum discreetly trying to shove his other hand under his own thigh, presumably in an attempt to try and hide his thumb from Ben, unaware that the other man had already seen it. Ben sighed- he hated this show of the shame and embarrassment that still resided within his boyfriend. Once Callum had managed to calm significantly, Ben trailed his hand down Callum’s other arm and carefully pulled Callum’s left hand out from under his leg. Blood had begun to dry on the part of his thumb that was bitten raw- the sight of it sent a jolt of guilt through Ben; he hadn’t even noticed.

As soon as he looked back to Callum, the other man looked away, shame burning through his expression. Ben knew that trying to broach this right now was useless- Callum would just close up straight away, and that would be the end of it. Instead, Ben just covered the wound with his own hand and laid a gentle kiss to Callum’s thumb. The other man looked back at him then, shock showing on this face. Carefully, Ben leaned away from Callum, still holding onto his hand, and reached for a tissue from the small coffee table in front of them. As gently as he could, he cleaned the blood from around Callum’s thumb, kissing over it when he was done. He noticed more tears had leaked from Callum’s eyes in the meantime, and he gently wiped them from Callum’s cheeks.

“Talk to me,” he said, pleading in his voice. Instead, Callum squeezed his hand, but didn’t let go, instead pulling him up and towards the bedroom. Once in there, Ben couldn’t hide the confusion from his face. Callum deposited him on the bed, making a ‘wait there’ gesture with his hands. He turned back to the wardrobe on the other side of the room, and opened the door. A minute later, be produced a worn cardboard box from the cupboard, and returned to sit next to Ben. Carefully, he took the lid off, and removed what looked like a pile of papers from it. Below them in the box, there lay what looked to be an army beret, and a single photo – it showed a much younger Callum, dressed in army uniform, with his arm around another soldier, grinning innocently at the camera. The tender way that Callum held the papers in his hands made Ben guess that they were something special to him, probably from his army days. Callum took the top one from the pile and unfolded it, reading over it quickly, then handing it to Ben. It appeared to be a letter, addressed to someone called Vicky, from a Private Chris Kennedy-

Chris Kennedy. *Of course.*

The two of them had only talked about it briefly, but Ben knew who Chris was- he knew that there had been something between the two men, something unexplained, but so important to the both of them, and that Chris had died last year. He knew about how hard Chris’ death had hit Callum- all the regrets he’d had about not telling Chris how he really felt, the guilt he felt about leaving him behind in the army. He knew that Chris would always mean a lot to Callum – in the same way that Paul always would for him – and that, seeing a soldier die on the screen of Callum’s old TV could have brought back some painful memories.

He looked up to find Callum now holding the beret in shaking hands, tears now full-force flooding down his cheeks. Ben gingerly folded up the letter, desperately not wanting to damage it, and placed it back in the box. He pulled Callum’s head into his chest, and allowed Callum to cry into his shoulder, still clutching the beret to his chest. Ben said nothing then, but perhaps the moment was beyond words for the both of them – Ben, for now, was content just to hold his hurting boyfriend.

**Author's Note:**

> Unfortunately, I got some bad news last night (I'm okay! Pls don't worry x) so I stayed up until 3am to finally write this fanfic I've been meaning to write for weeks. I proofread it this morning, but there could well be new mistakes, and I can't decide how good it is, but I just can't resist some good ol' angsty Callum.   
> I hope you're all staying safe and well, and enjoy!   
> Leo <3 (come find me on tumblr @artsy-highway)


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